This past week has been quite tricky at home. I think that in the time of Covid-19, most stay-at-home parents, or parents currently staying at home, can understand the additional parental pressures. Our 4-year old is missing his friends, and frustrated that he cannot do what is normally normal and permissible. I think they were quite accepting of the lockdown and the necessary changes at first – especially as they got to spend extra time with their parents. I think now however, the novelty for all three of us has well and truly worn off. One of us is a Doctor and has been working extra hard, extra long, with additional burdens. M and I have been developing our new normal, but I think were both a bit fed up now. I’m probably whinging a bit – that’s OK I guess? Yesterday was a particularly tough day. I felt that I was at the end of my tether. I really needed some space!
We had arranged that as soon as my partner had gotten home, I would get out on my bike. By that time had arrived I was making excuses in my head why I should not go. I knew I needed to get out, but I was telling myself that I was needed more at home etc etc. Even as I was setting off, not more than 2k from home I was telling myself to turn around and just go home.
I do struggle with low mood and anxiety sometimes. It’s cyclic and annoying. I say annoying as it is something that I am cognitively aware of. I know what is going on, but regardless of my knowledge, shaking the gloom, self-loathing, and anxiety seems all but impossible.
About 6k into the ride I was feeling more happy about riding and I recall that I had a serious climb coming up. Another state of mind was emerging from the deep dark caverns of my mind. Determination with an underlying fear or failure. This fear of failure will be the subject of a future post as it is a central aspect of my id. At 8k I could see the climb on the other side of a mini glen – from that angle it appeared to be a dark grey slash rising sharply up the side of the mountain. In fact it is nothing of the sort – it is just an intimidating illusion. Don’t get me wrong, it is a sharp ascent – just not as terrifying as it appears. 9k and I’m riding gravity to the base of the glen at 7%, feathering brakes at 40km/h. There’s a sharp right-hander then immediately a 9% climb peaking at 12% here and there for a 100m ascent. My heart was racing at about 170 and I was breathing hard – verging on a wheeze at the end of exhalation. Sounds were amplified, colours were saturated, I was fully committed and my psychological arousal complete. For the next 10k I was on a narrow quiet road with the North Sea to ahead and to my right. It was cloudy, but no longer chilly, I was roasting after my climb. I realised at about this time that my mind had cleared somewhat and that I could put a few of my worries into perspective. I needed space and time in my own head to think.
I have been worrying about how I parent; particularly how I parent during meltdowns. Our child, like me, is a child of trauma. Hyper-vigilance and anxiety is common with post-trauma children. Sometimes, for seemingly little or for no reason, everything becomes too much as they may launch into meltdown mode. This mode can be dramatic and often violent. It’s difficult to deal with. Me shouting or mirroring the meltdown does not work, and actually reinforces trauma in someone who finds a semblance of comfort in chaos. We try to employ a therapeutic parenting approach. National Association of Therapeutic parenting is a great resource, but it’s hard to implement and some principles seem to ride against instinct – this is particularly difficult when I’m tired or generally stressed.
By the time I was near to Montrose I had the head space I needed and was considering my triggers. What happens that makes me a less effective therapeutic parent? This self-reflection, I know, is important. Slamming doors is a huge thing for me and I have known this for many many years – it’s part of my own childhood trauma. Shouting and hitting is another. I also have a fear of being ‘outed’ as a poor parent. This may seem irrational, but meltdowns in public with bad-words and the rest makes me feel instantly judged and convicted. This is something that I have to get over as I know it affects how I deal with the situation at the time. Another thing I have placed too much reliance on is negative logical consequences – I need to get back to finding explanations of natural consequences, and be more playful when it’s all kicking off.
I really needed to get out on my bike – it really helped me place a few things in order, by the time the next big climb struck my front tyre I was just enjoying the ride for what it was, lost in the scenery. This one was a 7-11%er and rose for 110m, seemed so much farther than the first. I was 40k in and probably more tired so I suppose that makes sense.
A few more km and I came across a field. I don’t know what was in it, but it looked a lot like thistles. Do people plant and harvest thistles? It was beautiful.
By the time I had gotten home, I was a bit tired but fully relaxed, calm, and able to think rationally, and clearly. My partner had just gotten M to sleep – M had a hard time and was worried about going to sleep but was a picture of calm in themselves. This was very reassuring. Enough time to get something to eat, a chat , and sleep in preparation for a better day tomorrow.
Cycling really helps me order my perception of the world around me – it’s more than just exercise and fun. As I write this, the following day, I feel energised yet calm and confident.
Take Time To See 